Did you know that some of the biggest a**h**s in your life are your closest & in most instances your family? They can’t phantom the better version of yourself that you embrace, the change, the restraint you practice to avoid them putting you down from years of looking at you a particular way.
It has its roots in the physicology of slavery, according to Dr Joy Angela DeGruy, an American, author, academic and researcher. In an interview with Brandi Harvey on Vault Empowers Podcast, she explains how Black slaves used to talk down about their children, when confronted by slave owners who would compliment their young strong boys, because they knew, if they concurred, they would almost be giving permission for slave owners to sell or trade off their children. To-date, a person would compliment a child’s sports or academic achievements and it would be the parent who laments “if only you knew how lazy they are at home… at gardening, washing dishes”. Can you imagine what this does to your child’s self-esteem?
This phenomenon found itself in research papers and most recently it’s been asserted that behaviours such as lack of boundaries, expectations and pressure, jealousy and competition, unresolved issues, differences in values and beliefs as people grow up, these contribute to family putting you down.
Most astounding for me and leaning towards agreeing with it, is how, usually older siblings, because you grew up a bit emotional or they always had to protect you, figure you are not fit for certain opportunities, equality or supposing them, because they just always want to protect you.
It actually leads me to believe that outside drugs and unbecoming behaviour, people who end up on the street, or wallow in underachievement are decent human beings who interact with the world and people with a great deal of empathy, so much that we ask, “but he is so smart… he is so resourceful… so educated, why are they living on the streets?”.
I would like to believe these are people with potential and self-esteem that was battered by their own family, so much that they feel inept when they grow into human beings that must interact with the world. They are so reserved, so unsure and even lack confidence in themselves at school, work and socially.
You see, we are raising kids that should not suffer this, some of us are adults who are living the unfortunate reality I have just explained above.
Let’s be pro-active parents who identify these pattens in ourselves, heal, seek professional help, (from a social worker, wellness officer at your place of work and private professionals if you can afford to). Once we learn how to cope and overcome this, teach it to our children.
We can’t relegate ourselves into giving up on ourselves and the potential to be functional human beings and members of society. We can’t throw our hands up and give up on our kids, from family traumas.
Our children are not the youth of ’76, the world has evolved so much. They can’t be allowed to wallow in destruction to make their voices heard, to be supported, to be loved, to be nurtured towards their progress.
Their enemy is not discrimination by a regime, it’s not a system that belittles their parents and demean their existence, their potential, ambition and freedom. it’s the pressure we impose on them to be equal with kids who look like them but had a head start in life. It’s the physical and emotional availability we starve them from being “busy”.
We are raising kids who are growing up in a far smaller world (thanks to innovations such as the internet, littered with information and knowledge at their fingertips). They are obviously far more advanced than our generation and often reason better than we did. Let’s sit them in boardroom-style settings, hear their voices, engage and help solve their challenges.
Like the youth of ’76, rebellion is the first form of retaliation when faced with unjust and sometimes, just complicated challenges such as teenage peer pressure. This is why you find them wallowing in drugs, alcohol and other unsavory means of coping and escapism.
I will, for the purpose of progress and seeking solutions from within, not colour this opinion piece with well documented failures of government, in areas such as education, health, sports and cohesion. If anything, that lack from government, means we have to be present in nurturing this lack, so that they navigate school and life better.
Let’s look inside ourselves, let’s find and use our traumas and triggers to heal and help our kids avoid and avert these.
It’s my belief that if we can do that, we can raise and unleash to the world, human beings capable of tapping into their true talents, into their immeasurable potential and highly functional individuals, capable of solving our society’s challenges, grow this country with pride and become outstanding global citizens.
As we commemorate Youth Day, this coming Monday the 16 June, let’s redefine the word and meaning of “family support”.
It further can’t be a coincident that Father’s Day falls on the 15th of June and Youth Day the following day… it simply means and begs of US as men, to stop using patriarchy and all kinds of excuses to put our kids down, abandon our families or relegate parenting to their mothers. Women can only do so much on their own.
Let’s fight for our place in our children’s lives. We can’t treat them like we were, let’s do better. Let’s be vulnerable in front of them, so that they know that life is sometimes unfair and it’s’ no one’s fault, let’s tell them when we are weak, so that they learn that life is not always a walk in the park. let’s cry in front of and with them sometimes, so that they understand what emotion is, let’s compose ourselves in front of them, so that they know and understand “ukuvuka edastini” after a fall, chin up and give life another bash so that you emerge victorious in your pursuits is a necessity of life. In business, we speak of success being a series of failures. There is a lot that we are instructional about, which is often ineffective, while action can and will get to the wound and heal it quicker.
I hope this finds a place in your heart and might motivate you to take a stand as a man, to be present as work in progress and be courageous as a leader of your family. This piece comes from my own experiences, my shortcomings, people around me and what I learn and observe in the world outside, everyday. I hope it nudges you towards a positive direction. Don’t be that a**h** family member.
Written By: Sizwe “Slyso” Saliso (14 June, 2025)